A year ago this month, I completed a CD project called “A Dark in the Light.” Yep! It’s been a long year alright. Now, it’s just a buzzphrase for me and it’s everywhere that I am. Or so it seems. Well heck, it’s even gone to be the grand poobah title of my blogsite now, if you haven’t noticed yet!
There was a reason that phrase came about, by the way. Or why I titled my last CD such. And obviously, because of its spiritual undertone, it’s sometimes difficult to zero in on a fair interpretation. So, what’s with the phrase? Well, as you may have already found out, last year was a tough emotional year for me, to say the least. No, there wasn’t any falling out or anything bad like that. In fact, I held on pretty good despite the bitter times. But more on this in a while.
A few weeks back, I was able to port my journal here in wordpress from my old and dated platform. Finally. I’m still as excited about it today as I was the day it went live. And since then, I have shouted through the rooftops… and the world (at least my own little world) has heard and found out about it. And I thank everyone who takes the time to read my rants. Or should I say, random thoughts. Because that’s what they are.
Anyhow, I’m writing this entry in hopes of shedding some light on the phrase “A Dark in the Light” as some of you have asked me about it. This would probably be good for my sanity as well. So here it goes…
Well, besides sounding simply cool :-), this was, in fact, exactly how I felt during the time Deb and I decided to end our relationship. If you have read some of my entries from mid last year, you would’ve heard a sad tone in between the lines. Some of my friends even commented in a jokingly manner that whenever I speak of my dog, they’re not sure if it’s really the dog I’m talking about or someone else. But of course, they knew. Although, back then I couldn’t even bear to think about it, much less talk about it. So I blurred my words a bit to dodge some of this pain I had never felt before in my life. But somehow I had to deal to heal.
But back to what I was saying… when Deb and I split up in April of last year, I had to look in the mirror to see if I really knew myself or if I had only been putting on a mask all my life. I wasn’t even sure anymore. After all these years of living a somewhat radical life of faith in God, I am now being overcome by waves of confusion. For the first time ever, I am seeing a complete stranger in me. If that makes any sense.
I have always believed and feared God. And my life revolved around the essence of Him being the light in the dark alley that I walk through everyday. And because of this sheer conviction, I am somehow able to walk and live life confidently. No, things didn’t always happen the way I wanted them to. Not by a long shot! But as far as I can remember, I was always relieved that this was the case or I may have been regretful of a lot of things… that is, if I was in control of my own life. And so, when things didn’t work out in my marriage, eventually, I thought of myself as this shameful dark figure walking about in the light. As in, a dark spot on an otherwise spotless surface. A distinct blemish. A stain on a white shirt. Umm, a party crasher? Or still… an unworthy son.
Unworthiness. Yes! Unworthiness is, in fact, the overwhelming theme of the phrase “A Dark in the Light.” Shame is overcome by grace, guilt by forgiveness and failure by a second chance. But, on through the life beyond this one, unworthiness remains. It’s in the blood and will never wash out.
Okay, I have no intentions of sounding religious whatesoever. I apologize if I did. But I live a spiritual life and I’ll always have a spiritual perspective on anything I say or do. Sometimes when I speak it sounds philosophical but it’s really not. It’s all just a personal view.
My two shekels, if you will.
And like I’ve said in the past, my art reflects this as well. Especially in my music. So hey, listen to it sometime. Listen to A Dark in the Light! It’s about Deb, about friends, about family and about God. But, enough said. As Steven Tyler would say… let the music do the talking!
Until next time…